which i got commissioned at AC this year
it's an inked badge of my fursona in her dracokitty form
it's done in a heraldry style
the artist was at artist alley sunday and had 2 examples of this style and some other less detailed more goofy styles
this was done for 12$ and is awesome as ever (and it was drawn, inked, and handed to me in under an hour :)
I'd love to give full credit for this peice...
( cut due to full size pic of badge )

I sent a PM on FA to Mai whom did this bust level badge of same character ^.^
( cut for same reason as other )

and i can't forget the last commission i got at AC, nicnamed subbrewry (according to Miles [wyld's youngest son], subway's long lost brother)


Hey the other 2 are bigger lol

no, what sucks now is i have no phone what so ever

my cell is out of money
my home phone won't operate (the actual phone itself, not the service)
i can't call work to explain this problem
nor can i call the bank up to ask WTF happened to THIS check.....

I NEED to go to work, without being able to call and explain things
and only $1 in pocket (and it's in bill form)

Can I say this week has gone to hell.... ?

maybe it's my fault for not forcing them to cash it and then deposit it...
I'm tired of having to explain it's a NEW YORK STATE PAYROLL CHECK and is AS GOOD AS MONEY....
[ and by law they can be cashed same day because it's a NYS Payroll Check, that law still exist in the books ]
plus it was Sunday, not a business day or a Normal Bank day...

But still it should have been processed today with everything else....

---

---

ok so can someone call 679 7221 and tell them til i can make use of my paycheck i have no good means of comming in to work?
ofcourse if i can get my non functional house phone to actually stay alive long enough i'm going to do this myself
also will call the bank to see about said check....

i had to forget about that metrocard yesterday when i was with mae too x.x (asking for it)
though the rates have gone up, i got the 2 quarters to add to that card to ride with it...
(then again i wasn't expecting this espcially when told i'd have funds in the morning by the bank teller)

Commerce TD bank never did not credit a check the next day reguardless of when it was put in unless they lost the said check....

yesterday the mta came out with more new schedules and even though MY bus issue had nothing to do with the changes
today after looking over the n40/41 schedule I can say in earnest they got rid of over 1/2 of the buses that used to run.....

bah more travel time on buses with bad reputation for being on time, sigh.....

well going to get a metrocard somwehere before work and then head in ^.^

for safety sake i'll take the 8a instead of the 8:23a but damnit, there used to be another bus in between.... (has old schedule to prove it)

EDIT!:

just checked and my paycheck isn't in my bank account yet.... and i need that to get said metrocard.... FUCK.
and my phone claims to be dead....

thanks to sciucaro i got a ride to bank
and i have cash in hand from check to get transportation needed to go to work
unsure of everything else

wow grounded again o.o;

just saved my electricity from being cut off early
the 6 week wait of paycheck hurts lots right now
that and the fact that mail people can't read mail....

i have a check for $25 to help me get to work and anywhere else
unfortunately it got delivered to a different address,
the people did give me the mail (after opening it...)
but a day far too late for me to put this thing in the bank myself

there wasn't a bank enroute to the bbq at tonyringtails and
bank hours was within work hours, evern with the early dismissal,
it was too late to put it it.

I REALLY need this thing in the bank TODAY
and i can convert the 2 $1 bills in my pocket to change for buses.

I know the garden city branch stays open til 8 pm
is there anyone capable of getting me there today?

it's good to make friends in HIGH places

so i can literally get AC weekend off to go if i choose
and seeing how we seasonals are being treated this year
hey 1 less person they got to worry about paying for that weekend lol
i got a rude go home today from donna lol
but not before i asked the one OVER her head if I could safely go to AC and still have a job when i came back to work that tuesday lol
he told me if anyone even thinks of doing such they going to answer to him (and this includes "demon donna" as some have called her
but for the most part she's just doing her job... she just has too much fun making everyone hate her in the process i think
she doesn't do any of that shit with me cause i have shown in the past though under her, i demand respect and i got the claws and teeth to match ^.^
she always talks to me polite and civilized :) but to everyone else they quake with fear....

===============================================================

Yesterday I got to finally meet marko_the_rat yesterday in the flesh
he's too cute (personality wise) and mild mannered ^.^

and i had a blast at tonyringtail's bbq which was awesome despite the occassional rain that happened ^.^
there was fun friends and fursuits ^.^
and i didn't loose out on hours at the beach cause D (from above section of the post) made everyone go home in the morning yesterday lol

sadly in ffxi it's about time to say goodbye to noir, as he retires to the VCS farms
He's still going to race and be my main mount to ride across all of the world in ffxi

but he has made a statement and a point as a first generation chocobo to me :)
now it's time to raise his children :)

noir destruction has sired an egg laid by tranquille ice that shall be my next chocobbo :)
he shall also father a chick with lady charisma in time :)
(isn't he lucky with the ladies or what?)

Final Statistics
Male
Black
Racer
strenth Outstanding
endurance Better than Adverage
Discernment and Receptivity is POOR
Very Easygoing Temperment
Total Jock
nickname 3rd n 1st lol

talking foul mouth goat
demon getting jiggy wit it
and a button of doom

care to know more?
go see

drag me to hell

as soon as possible in the movie theatres :D

movie rating 4 of 4 paw prints
horror rating 3 of 4 paw prints

warnings? avoid if you gross out easily or DO NOT EAT WHILE WATCHING lol
(and no i didn't have that problem with it, but i figured it needed that label lol)
*you can ask cubbi and mae that what i say is the truth*

movie is PG-13 rated stretched to the limits a horror film can be considered so long a rating
that said it's an awesome movie done Right under those constraints

movie would so be 6 of 4 paw prints on horror if it was an R rating lol

it's fun to watch :D

tis said any port city/town named freeport was a freezone where anyone could freely trade without question, and thus pirates loved these zones and well i do live in what used to be named Freeport Heights.... So i decided to look up any history of pirates in freeport and around the jones beach area
amusingly the first thing i find is a story about a pirate named Handy Jones XD


http://www.mepham.org/pirates-li.html

http://www.allaboutstuff.com/Out_at_Sea/Handy_Jones_Long_Island_Pirate.asp


except from a book... (looking for title of it cause i so want to borrow it)

VERY BRIEF HISTORY

This area was home to the Meroke Indians many many years ago. The area was blessed with an abundant source of seafood and shells that were used as wampum.

After the Europeans settled the area has had a thriving boatingbusiness for the last few hundred years and continues to this day.

It's name was Raynortown. Raynor was a man who owned much of thearea. He also dug a canal and put the fill on the two sides of it,building up what was swamp land. The canal was named Woodcleft and theroad traveling adjacent to it was named Woodcleft Avenue. More on thatin a bit.

The name of the town is now Freeport. The name reflects the fact that years ago it was the place where shippers would come into NY without paying fees. It seems it also became a place for pirates, smugglers, and rum runners to do their dirty work.

after good calculations looks like i get paid on said day :D
so soon :)

I'd get paid for 5 days of work
so at the *least* i'd be getting $320 ^.^
my salary is 10.16/hr and i work 8 hour days
that amount takes out the over payment of taxes and fees and IF the people that control the defaulted student loian from the state get some before i see a dime
that amount is if i worked at $8/hr after massive paycheck deductions of a whopping 20%
so I'm certain I WILL SEE MORE THAN THAT IN FIRST CHECK.....

However for mass early budgetting reasons i'll go with the thought that I'll JUST be getting $320 :)

And the following paycheck I'd get the july 1st would be $256 for working 4 days at the above absurd acknowledgements :)

so $576 in hands before AC, though with funds i'm still highly doubtful still that i'd be going cause july 4th the majorest of the majorest holidays at the beach where ALL HANDS ARE ON DECK AND DOING OVERTIME (sometimes DOUBLE OVERTIME) is on SATURDAY...... <- i'll have hopes only if guarenteed to not lose job for loss of working that day ;)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
that said about 1/2 of the first paycheck would clear me this month on bills and travel (work related) expenses :)

since most likely i'll be keeping paycheck money out of banks and in a box or matteress or something ^.^;

all i want is an hour or 2 of fun with friends

but plans haven't been going that way as of late

from no one replying to questions toother things going up in smoke
to the fact most things happen while i'm at work and all chances of going after said job is nulliffied due to the latest i get out of work

i'm on edge of give up

well atleast i can ask off for ringtail's bbq, as it's the final furry outing i can get to this summer it seems

Anthrocon is a no go simply cause it's just plainly on the wrong weekend and going would cost me my job.
Seeing as job is the only income i get all year, it's far more important and the only thing i had set was a ride and a new idea for the legacy chase which won't happen this year since i won't be there to suit as her, and i'm not trusting the suit to ANYONE else to do this
and it as finally my favoirte theme ever, aliens, the type of anthro things i actually DRAW....

spoke to the person that spoke to cubbi and mae when i was in hospital about cutting the front grass for $5...
he got it then, that was the dead last of my money, this was the friday of memorial day weekend
grass not cut

today on door taped really well is a noticed to get the grass cut or else....

personally i don't have the funds to get anyone else to do it and hey th other dude conned his way into getting that last $5 so

today ms Smalls from ADP is suppose to visit, hopefully before 3pm ( 2 - 2:30p is target time) and i left the notice there so she can see it too

anyone in the LI area have use of a weed wacker or something to cut the grass a bit for me atleast in the front....? all i can pay is $5 sadly but
this has to be fixed before the 9th or i'll have to pay a fine for this violation....

I'd have more of but of my things needed for work at beach, I bought me a pair of real workboots, and another pair of sand colored slacks (i wanted black...) but 2 pairs is better than 1 pair
and food for furball $4 this time, a full $1 discount from normal
and 2 weeks of transportation at $47

still need sunscreen and a haircut....

ok
this morning at 8:25am i walked out of my house to find my front water spicket broken off
and gallons of water spraying out of it....
i had choice, go to work or spend hours trying to find and close the faucet

i left it for when i came home, while fielding people at work for the water company's fone number so i could get a temp shut off or something til i could fix it
that didn't happen

I come home to my door totally unlocked
all of my inside doors open
and my kitchen window broken into :(

someone broke into my home while i was at work, but they didn't steal anything, however that water faucet was shut off ...

i am confused...

i did a house search upon seeing the doors unlocked cause i locked them good this morning.... plus broken kitchen window and broken things in sink from someone entering that way....

*sigh* i'm so ready to move, I just want to store my stuff before a Robbery happens....

i called grandma to see if it was JBR since she got authorization the last breakin that happened but grandma has no knowledge and hasn't heard a peep from this woman since ???
so outside of call the police (done)
i'm still in confusion....
outside of needing to get the hell out of here as soon as possible....

yep this was my memorial day, hope you managed a happy one

since the state finally did try to help
the fare raise situation got a bit more handleable
for one thing to use cash on li bus
it will be 25c more instead of $1.25 more
and it seems LI Bus is keeping the unlimited metrocard option on the buses :)

So I can actually ask for help transportation wise now knowing just what to ask for ^.^

as stated in my lj in past days I got enough money to travel to work and back this weekend only
the fare rates aren't going up til july (just in time for me to be working full time and i get to see first paycheck)
http://mta.info/mta/09/ <- new fare information for those that need it :)

if anyone could spare enough for a monthly card that'd be awesome (still $81)
i have $5 left in bank account that i'll happily use :)
but a 7 day or 14 day card would be helpful too
($25 / $47 respectively)
paypal still works
mylinda@mylindabeach.ws

* if your wondering why an unlimited it's also so i can go to doctors and DSS and other things during the workweek too

today if i get to be a cashier (and make dann work :p [he did cashier all day yesterday for mini golf)
i'll be drawing stuffs and doing my job and maybe seeing more of airshow?
if not i'm so going to have to ask my medical doctor for some means of pain killer help for feet!

about it

also if anyone wants to be nice and buy me a top up card or pp for fundage on cell, please do ^.^
after each message/call they annoy me with the LOW FUNDS TOP UP NOW! page and i pray i don't hit the wrong button and i get stripped fundage i don't have to do that
(i'd take away the $5 in bank via paypal.... it's linked but not for automatic payments, just for emergency ones which this would sort of consitute...

sleepy kitty don't need to be woke up by phone call from restricted number
check voice mail on cell to hear no message
just lots and lots of sounds

sleepy kitty don't have much airtime money left on cell phone
$4.24 at this writting

that's 17 mins of airtime
or
28 text messages left at the new and improved 15c a text one way and i pay to recieve and i pay to send (uded to be 10c but that changed so a txt and reply is 30c
5c more than a minute on phone... *sigh*

i lost a full $1 getting answering machine/voice mail today

just an fyi

I don't mind txts espcially if i txt you for something
(i usually expect some sort of reply)

but no more messageless VM
if you can't hear yourself think, or talk, don't try to talk and leave message...
however i heard mae's voice fine, just not what she tried to say
so i'm guessing this was from cubbi. since i can see when mae calls me, it shows a phone number
cubbi's cell phone number is restricted, meaning he can't call my house without *82'n before hand and he hasn't grasped that yet :P

didn't get to do any cashier work
spent most of it 'pan and brooming the boards" which is boring
though for about an hour or so i was guard at the VIP 'restrooms'

i got off work at 5:30 and just caught that last bus (barely) in time

didnt meet up with shannon though i texted where i was working (CM boardwalk area)
and that also meant no ride to fair from her

called cubbi and he and mae are at the fair, they haven't seen any other furries there though...

so i guess i get to rest sore feet then ^.^

had the badge been trying to give shannon for the last year with me so next time?

well atleast i got a free tiny american flag from cleaning up ^.^

required buying
1 pair of workboots for work
2 pairs of appropiate colored slacks
metrocard for bus
sunblock spf 30 is ok :) <<< shannon do you has anymores?
bug spray (deep woods version preferably) <<< shannon do u has anymores?
insolated lunch/small cooler bag for frozen gatorades i take to work)

wanted:
mp3 player 1 or 2 gb fine
ink for printer my dad left and i gots
wifi for laptop dad left that i gots
new sketch book for jones beach 2009 arts

after getting my ears blasted off by the thunderbirds that was doing rehersal for the airshow
i got to talk to doug whom was fashionably late
i start work on saturday
but there is a new issue before they let me work
i need a new ID
more money i have no budget to do but i *think* from the savings from the taxi and the $10 safty bar for said taxi I can swing that tommorrow morning
so I have the receipt that I getting a new ID (well renewed ID) and this was done before this saturday...

On the way home I saw Shannon's twin, seriously looked exactly like her, had the same type of glasses, same style hat, same style clothes, same style bag
this lady even have tattoos in the same visible areas of simular size, same sort of earrings, same style hair too, only thing that stood out is nothing was colored orange like shannon's hair happens to have :)

getting ready to watch the fireworks fly ^.^

na not going to the city
not going to the fair
just going to the beacha
to get sand all in my hair!

so what are peoples plans for this weekend?
it being memorial weekend and all?

i heard there was a weekend long party but it was invite only and i didn't get one :(
family invited me but i can't get to the poccano mountains with no cash on me
aireshow at the beach i might do it is fun ^.^ beside i'll hopefully be working this weekend
to be seen from what happens today cause each year my paperwork dies and i end up re-appling in person (probably what happens with me today)
i thank cubbi for saving my butt on that one...

despite the back of head fears, i'm forging my path forward :) following my own plan, things will be alright in the end!

was dianosed with subject line in 2005
was told it was the base cause of my hypertention
and probably the cause of most of my UTIs and definately the cause of my quarterly arriving kidney stones
read about condition here: http://kidney.niddk.nih.gov/kudiseases/pubs/medullaryspongekidney/

not enough to get ssi but it keeps me on medicaid for awhile


update on APS, I've heard nothing ...

update on JBR. She's done nothing new

update on future job - I need to find a ride there til I see money again (weekends only)

update on life - despite all the bad things and the fact i truly broke, life is fine and i am happy

I relized that JBR was the cause of most of my hell state...

In other news
went to the cape may furmeet capemayfurmeet saturday and meet some Delaware furs whom was way cool

got more proof that smrgol_t_kirin is the king of portable hardcore gamers :) [you must see his collection!]
and for those that don't know, he's the maintainer of the hudson fur mailing list and one of the coolest older li furs known to mankind

kids come back to vandelize the house again
but this time they got caught... limited new damage done...

to my pc it's summer for the first "I'm OVERHEATING!!!!" alarm just went off forcing me to close out FFXI :(

but i guess the good news is, whatever it was that tripped the circuit breaker, finally released it to enough I could finally switch it back to the on posiition without sparks flying and it staying on
so I gained back use of my normal 2 burners on the stove

Grits and Eggs shall be cooked now!

please someone warn me what is next? anyone gots a clue?

now i have a busted circuit breaker
and it's the one that powers my stove top
so now i can't cook at all
and i am very sad

i wish i could afford to fix this
not sure what to do...

now my sole cooking appliance is the oven (luckly not connected in any way to the stove)

not sure if i need to replace the circuit breaker, but it sparks when you try to push the switch back to on.....

http://www.toh.li/content/tr/housing.html
town of hempstead
housing authority
760 Jerusalem Av
Uniondate, NY 11553
516-485-9666

http://www.toh.li/content/tc/licenses.html
licenses and forms
in case needed for future yard sales...

as anyone reading my LJ knows I've been discharged from the mental ward at NUMC yesterday.

I'm still left with a house I'm not really suppose to stay in, and an inability to move out of it.

I was just chatting awy and it came to me that maybe if I could get enough hands we could do a Clean Sweep of my current residence to help me sort out the few things I want from the garbage and junk that litters my home.
It is hazzardous to stay in, I am occassionally hangout out overnight at cubbi and mae's aptment as per my discharge agreement.

I'm ready to move on, but I need help sorting out my stuff and I still need to find the money for a storage unit and finding a new home.

I'm wondering if anyone is willing to help me out?

*Clean sweep is a show on TLC (i think) where bad messy rooms get a 'clean sweep' EVERYTHING is removed from a room or 2, sorted into 3 piles on the lawn, a Keep pile, A Sell pile and a Discard pile. The items in the sell pile get sold in a yard sale, proceeds could possibly allow me to afford the storage of the things in the keep pile. And the discard pile well is finally thrown out.

I might split the keep and discard pile in 1/2 a keep and store, and a keep and still use pile, and a garbage and recycle pile (50% of the garbage are bottles and cans)

Would anyone be willing to help out some random weekend this May?
My time here is limited and I really want to sort THIS out :)

http://tlc.discovery.com/fansites/cleansweep/cleansweep.html < if u want to see what the show is :)

ok so much of this journal is public but details are friends only espcially pertaining to my last hospitalization in the psych ward due to the nature of it. It's kinda personal
so if you want to know the details as I release them, and I'm not your friend, due request here :) and help remind me who you are :)

my god how i missed ya!

long overly detailed post about my "vacation" on the 12th floor of NUMC will be written tommorrow
right now I'm glad to be out of there and home

for the record i'll be staying with cubbi and mae :)
(visitor status til i get a new place to live somehow)

the bad news right now...

due to the unscheduled hospital stay
i've lost my temporary assistances
i've lost my food stamps
so now i'm even more broke
since I didn't get labeled a mental case to get SSI either...

VoicePost 205K 1:04

“its mylinda aka flykat at the numc, still on the 12 floor, if you want to contact me, contact mae (madamecrystal or ladymage btw) cause she has my number and come visit me the visiting hours are 6pm to 8pm and the number is 516-542-9582 and if you want to know how I got there I will tell you when you visit. Just come to the 12th floor and push the intercom and ask for mylinda adios and peace” Transcribed by: madamecrystal

granted, those that saw my posts today see that i don't really have good options
but they are options
plans unknown

I know for fact that I'd love to get a POD and start loading things I want to store away from when things are better and I have a real place of my own
In the end espcially if plan A wins, I might even get funds back for this
but right now I can't move without storage and storage is a bitch when one has no income comming in.

I'm not sure what I can do to raise the funds needed to get a small POD container on my front lawn... ($214 req'd on delivery was the quote the site gave)
Everyone (practically, not all but most, 95%) claim my art isn't worth it
and honestly my muse is as good as dead atm anyhow so I can't offer that...

the dead server i had is well dead.... so I can't offer hosting

and i've asked for freebies enough in this journal to know better than to try...

however if anyone is willing to help by offering time to do something worth money to help me atleast get storage for a couple of months
and me somewhat able to move out by the time I get the eviction notice, that'd be delightful...

so my request to any and all that thing they can do anything to help, plz contact me or do it yourself and try to surprise me.
but I do hope someone can really help me out.

I don't really have room to even turn around in at this time, in my house, it's over ran my vermin mice (and probably a few rats too)
the only kitchen appliance that still works is most of the fridge, oven and 1 of the 4 stove burners
my home is a health hazard to me and C (my faithful ferret) and a hugh as fire trap, if a fire started no one would survive the tale cause fire would spread that damn quick as fast.
I need to move on and away from herre.

I am accepting all job postings particularly of the office worker variety (secutary, receptionist, etc)
Retail is out of question due to health status...

I know I can get back work at beach, i'll be one of the first to be hired (just not as a cashier....)
so job lined up in a month's time

I have more than enough food stamps given my mental stress and depression making sure i don't eat even when i do have food.... so that'll last even if i lose them tuesday
thought what little cash they give me is as good as gone, so is my ability to have a phone, internet, gas, electricity, etc
((the 1 thing i buy for fun is on hold to after this month for same reason))

and honestly since i know a lot fear giving me cash, hell, save up donations for me and deliver a pod to my doorstep, I'll take that as well and hey i'll be just as happy as if I got it myself

as for why a POD
I can't drive, so being able to store things as I find and box them into container is a safer, cheaper and saner way to do things, since I'd have to bribe/beg/plead for friends with cars and licences to do this for self storage, plus they have an awesome moving and storage deal
that and as I said I can't turn around in my house so being able to move things out of it would be useful :)

the plans

the real plan A
the original plan

wait for eviction notice
go to court
state my position
get the judge to get help for me
get the assholes that are forceing this on me to pay for new place to live and/or storage of my stuff
get in under adult protective services
end up with a place on my own and work life from there

the plan B

go into hospital asap
get dianoses of something mentally wrong (if such can be found)
stay in mental patient care for 3 weeks - 4 months
loose ferret perminently
give up what little i'd get for staying and waiting in plan A
give up beach job (for i'd be in the hospital when I'd be starting that)
end up in harvest house with former/recovering addicts of substances
end up with less freedom i do now and more people to deal with daily....
be screwed out of any state job or anything decent due to being deemed mentally unstable...

i don't know but this is how i'm seeing the 2 paths
til i know more of plan D I can't post it

plan C

is doing plan A, once I seen judge and I get my stuff atleast stored, start plan B which makes sense to me....
but person pushing plan B don't want me to do anything with plan A and thus all those smaller negitive notes are there...

Poll #1383566
Open to: Friends, detailed results viewable to: All

which do you think is the right option for me

Created by Recipe Star

Created by Recipe Star

Created by Recipe Star

market note to self
conciliation case date: Tuesday 21th, 2009 @ 9:30am at the DSS
current state of mind, I have no clue why I went this far, but maybe i'll be in better state of mind (or worse)

I get to go in the intake of outpatient mental health that friday before hand at 9:0am


I really really want to look into the eyes of the people that caused me this much mental pain I want to see the demons these people be, but sigh I has to come into work again first
man i really really don't know why i'm doing this......

anyway cause I has ANY money my work today is to go to laundrymat to wash clothes.... except for weeks on end i've tried to hop on bus to do just that and can't get that far before both back and legs yell surrender plz, (and for new bag it's ripped up from alll the dropping on the grounds those attempts caused.

so far only asked warsawkook for help (she replied with an option)
cubbi gets home too late

my laptop username is now zermit
it's name is zermit's pad
it is purple, the pic shannon made is the bg of desktop
it has winamp, avg anti-virus, spybot s&d, and is updating itself windows wise
broken ethernet cable is working but i see now both ends are broken X( so i really need to buy a new cable
(not the one cubbi gave me, thanks dude that was a life saver)
fixed the need to use ctl-alt-del before getting log in screen of lappy (hell it's not even ASKING for that anymore)

last entry was written in tears, bosslady caused the mental breakage, i'm still broken and eat people ready....

but originally i was going to write why I was being pushed but feelings ook over....

bosslady feels the best route for me is to go into hospital to get a dianosis of mental disorder (not sure of what)
i'd get ssd fast, and be on the road to goodness
I'm all up for this BUT

I'm being evicted from my once rightful home, I'm getting nothing for this except homelessness
however according to law, they'd have to find me a place to stay and a give me storage of thingss I need to get out of here
IF I go into hospital now 3 things will happen.
1. I loose the shot of getting what i've waited all these years for
2. I loose my pet perminently, and as previously stated, I'm not to keen of that onsidering she's my link to any sanity and salvation from suicide
3. I'm not guarenteed anything in doing this route, sure that's what i'm told but
4. I have a job I like that I can get back into, this future income is semi-planned on and for (working at the beach) and I'd be forfieting this since I wouldn't get out in time to get back in...

the help i'm being offered isn't solid
the help i will get in time is far more solid, like the beach job and tennent rights are set in stone what i can and can't get.

mice like block bait, they took all of them into nests.... soon no more mice and free to roam ferret :)

Sometimes the best help is to let someone sit back and figure things out for themselves.
Forcing others hands can caused the one "cornered" more stress

this speaks for others I know as well.
but this post is just talking about me at the moment.

Tommorrow a 7 generation home in my family will be ours no more. I have absolutely no control over that, I've managed to send my grandma (the rightful heir by BLOOD to that property
off to her new place in Delaware yesterday. I'll see her tommorrow when she has to come back up and hand over her keys to the new owner, I'm not mad at them
However I am of those that forced this to happen...

Same with the future loss of what was once actually mine. But I degress.

I'm a torn human.... My memories are torn, my happiness is torn, my life totally is torn.

I don't know what is valuable to me and what is not.
I don't know what I need to leave behind and what not to
I know what I can leave behind....
I know a few things there is no way in hell I could leave behind (unless I left EVERYTHING behind)
I fear the inviting thoughts, I see the news reels but it don't matter,( certainly won't if that last though ever rings true)

Right now, right this time, I need some peice of mind. I need something solid to grasps, not false hopes and dreams.
I need something to hold, something as tangable as my ferret. But something that has more use than 'just keep me alive"
and yes for the last time, that IS WHAT MY PET DOES....
She recieves the one emotion I barely have in me anymore and that's LOVE.

Right now even my most bestest best friend is a mere toleration in my life, a toleration in hope that one day maybe I can truly care again fully and honestly for another on the most basic levels.
Yes I'm THAT torn up inside, I am THAT broken.

My friends have lost that glow, they are barely aquintances. the true aquintances are just people i sorta know, I care but I don't
there is some hope for me maybe, atleast there is something to say so but... it's merely a whisper now....

I've been mentally beaten pass tolerance, as thick skineed as I am, enough has broken me, all the scars and bruises, and I'm still being whipped.

Sure for the first time in my life, I can honestly say I'm nothing more than a scared child, sure not what my age says but it's the truth.

I've spent so long in fantasy land, using it to cope that now that it's finally been broken out of me, I have no where to go or turn, no one I can truely talk to
I got everything that as a kid I was told was good and right, being the very things that is hurting me brutally.

I never did fully loose fear of simple things like leaving my house and walking across the street, I have the fear of god in me everytime I do and it must be alone
yet I can't for long periods stand to be around anyone else.

I am safe as a hermit in it's cave with the big rock blocking entry. Now I'm loosing that... the last peice of security I have.

I'll eventually turn around maybe, but i'm at the point of "what for?"

I'm tired of being told I am not helping myself, I am trying I just plain can not anymore.

Everyday I fear fire in my house, yet I pray a mouse sets the place on fire with me in it, and then I'd be dead and not have to deal with life
Each time I go near the tracks, espcially street level, loud head voice says go and just stand on them.

But I remember my ferret and erase the thoughts, not really they never go away, I just muffle the sounds, go to my poorly imprisoned baby and give her a hug and let her lick the tears off my face... but i can dwell this deep for much longer.... I can't....

after the veiwing the "tiff of silence" though one wasn't so silent and the other overly was
i went to bed last night, having the day off i just got up, and after morning routine i head here to my pc to sit in my favorite chair, just so it would in slow motion break suddenly under my weight into many peices (7 to be exact) not the way i hoped to have woken up, let's see how the rest of the day goes....

i has airpass
that is all

Ursines (7:38:11 PM): it is at the brentwood 0campus and is at 7:3
Ursines (7:38:26 PM): 7:30
felinefurre (7:38:29 PM): know the building ^.^
Ursines (7:38:45 PM): good can you tell me whee it is ?
felinefurre (7:39:29 PM): and do ya have cell so i can call if lost (building wise)
and no i can't give directions via car, i've always taken the bus there ^.^
Ursines (7:41:46 PM): no i dont have a cell phone , i was just kidding (i hope ) about being lost on campus i can get in the front entrence and go around to the gym , i know how to get out from there , ive done it twice and only gotten lost the first time
felinefurre (7:43:21 PM): so the meeting is in the gym?
Ursines (7:44:02 PM): yes the small lecture room to the side of the main entrence

roxikat i feel for you friend ^.^ but i'll be there to give anything he above can't relay!

---

( lirr/sct info )

today is day 19 for my chocobo i've raised from an egg in ffxi
when it hatched on day 4, I named it Noir Destruction
because it'll destroy the competition in the chocobo races
as I enjoy chocobos I do eventually plan to breed them and all will carry that last name and first names will be related
noir, dark, nite etc :)

since I got the egg from a quest, I had no real clue for what color it'd be.
I defaultly figured it'd probably be the normal yellow, but I was so hoping for a Black, Blue or Red chocobo :)
and today I got my wish as it's grown to show it's tip colors and they are dark grey meaning Noir really will be Noir (black in french)

it's diet as of late has been a vomp carrot and a bunch of Azouph greens
i've been growing chocobo food in my moghouse so i'm doing well with this :)

you'll have to go to zermit to see my character stats (just turned level 29 red mage) later, this entry is going to be cross posted there too :)

( cute chick chocobo pictures :) )

yes my words to an old spanish speaking guy on the corner as i just came from the bodega like thing across babylon turnpike (also known as death's door speedway)

i made it across the street again (barely) and this guy is like

you pretty, me needs lovin
can i follow you home?

reply was a quick NO!

his reply:
aw comeon baby you know you want me!
(this dude is obviously in his 50s or 60s and i was moving faster to cross carroll to get to my house)

i replied that subject line i have at him from across the street and detoured around the block to my home (in case he did still choose to "follow" me, which he didn't...)


and bosslady wants to bring the "sexy" out of me? I have enough issues with the horndogs that don't care!

Updated my FFXI stats on zermit and commented on the 1 thing I wish the game would improve on far as skilling up things is concerned.
Please click this link currently underlined to see everything :)

In normal life
I have to find 16 more places to put on my job searches for the 18th of this month, meh wish me much luck here....

Bosslady knows I can get on SSD but I have to do things a certain way. This is being worked on to save me from shelter bouncing, also it'll save me from job bouncing too
She's also working on me finding someone to seriously dianose my depressive state I fall into and it's weird cause I fall into it even at the most happy times..

Today I can get more foods and right now after this post I think i'm going to log off FFXI and go get my hair cut ^.^ (and then maybe go buy a steak or something)

http://www.examiner.com/x-669-Pet-Rescue-Examiner~y2009m2d16-Horse-tail-thieves-sweeping-through-Colorado
artical from feb 16 ...